After doing my morning chores, my Core Issues that my psychiatrist told me suddenly hit me again. And I ended up calling my mother to ask her at 4:30 AM about my biological parents. Not the right time to ask and as usual, her answer was she didn’t know anything about them and that my father (adoptive) just brought me home telling her that they finally have a daughter.
It was never an issue for me to be an adopted child. I was in my early 20’s when I found out the truth but it was inconsistent. Subconsciously, it affected my life. Because I have Identity Issues and I have no Sense of Belongingness. No matter how I insist that I am fine not knowing who my biological parents are, I still have to resolve those issues in order for me progress with my Psychotherapy.
Somehow, my psychiatrist is right. It is true that I could feel unexplainable emptiness since I was a child but couldn’t figure it out. I didn’t have a “normal” childhood, I am the only child, I was a brat, I didn’t have much playmates but I enjoyed the comfortable life that my adoptive parents gave me. My father was an Engineer and a Businessman. I have ambivalent relationship with my mother but I was treated like a princess but it has always been love and hate kind of relationship until now that I am already 34.
My father died 18 years ago but I still have this inconsolable grief. I was not able to move on. Just by hearing or mentioning his name would always make me cry and emotional. And that is one of the issues that my doctor told me that I have to resolve and if possible, I must find my biological parents for the sake of closure, identity and belongingness.
And I was like, Yeah, I didn’t not ask for this yet I am the one who is suffering. I am more focused being a mother and trying to make ends meet for my kids rather than finding the mother who sold me just because she couldn’t afford to have another child and that my biological father left her (not sure of that info). I was her 5th and yet after selling me, she had another child again and even made my mother a godmother and even had 3 more kids. Among her 9 children, I was the only one sold.
What the f*ck… Thank you.
@borderlineinmanila 