Mixture of BPD and Bipolar when mad 😉

It is hard and complicated to explain what BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) is when people ask me about it. (I’m from the Philippines, Mental Health here is still stigmatized but diagnosed people like me are working on its awareness)
Good thing I’m also Bipolar, makes things easier to explain as it is more common here 😂 But I’m more of a Borderline than Bipolar.

I have an on and off intense episodes of Anger, Depression, Anxiety and Suicidal Thinking.
I have a Black and White, All or Nothing and Good and Bad kind of thinking. Wala akong gitna.
I suffer from BPD and it is also characterized by persistent pattern of Unstable Interpersonal Relationships, Mood and Self-Image, as well as Distinct Impulsive Behavior, beginning by early adulthood.

My Interpersonal Relationships are unstable because it is alternating between extremes of Idealization and Devaluation. I have Identity Disturbance. I am Impulsive and it’s damaging. I have recurrent Suicidal Behavior or gestures. Affective Instability due to marked reactivity of mood; intense feelings that can last from a few hours to few days. I experience Chronic Feelings of Emptiness and Inappropriate Intense Anger and Difficulty Controlling Anger and that’s what consumes me the most.

If anyone would dare to touch my children or hurt them emotionally and mentally, I bet you will regret it for the rest of your life. There was a time that their father hit them. I got furious and I hit him back. I smashed his face with electric fan, I even took two knives to stab him and he ran for his life. I also mutilated his passport, Seaman’s Book, Schengen Visa and his training certificates. I threw his expensive clothes in the drainage and smashed his laptop and iPhone with a hammer. He asked for his family’s help but no one dared to stop me.
They phoned my mother but she told them that she cannot do anything about it because I’ve always been violent since I was a child whenever I got pissed off or mad.

And that is why I take Psychotropic Medications and undergo DBT to somehow control my reactions, emotions and anger. But I am just the sweetest when I’m not mad 🤗🤗🤗

My Survival…

Yes, I go out at times.
Yes, I smile genuinely or sometimes fake it.
Yes, I breakdown and cry.
Yes, I am happy at times.
Yes, I can do my duties as a mother.
Yes, I talk about crazy sh*ts.
Yes, I look okay sometimes.
Yes, I look forward to occasions but only with my kids’ birthdays.
But please don’t expect me to be normal like you.
To be honest, I am ambivalent and I only go to extremes. I don’t know what it is like to be in between.

Yes, I go out but I suddenly get anxious or go home depressed.
Yes, I smile but question myself after why the heck I smiled.
Yes, after breaking down I can suddenly do the laundry or get more depressed instead of being relieved.
Yes, I can be a mother but you have no idea how hard I try to survive everyday for them.
Yes, I am crazily happy to be with sometimes, but I am broken inside and when I am alone, I am really ALONE.
Yes, at times I look okay but appearance on the outside doesn’t always match what is inside.
Yes, I look forward to occasions but holidays make me sick as fuck and worst, suicidal. (Don’t ask me why because I don’t know the answer) “You’re seeing a psychiatrist and taking medications and you are still depressed?”
Yeah Sh*thead, just like any other sickness that has no cure and can exacerbate, don’t expect me to be well.
It’s like telling someone who has a heart disease but why the hell still get heart attacks even when medicating.

Mental Illness is as valid as any other illness. Don’t make our reasons to struggle with this battle void. We didn’t ask for this.
I have BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and my way of life is SPLITTING. Meaning to say, It is All or Nothing, Good or Bad, Black and White way of thinking. I also have Bipolar 1 Disorder. I have extreme mood swings and I don’t even know where my moods are coming from unless I am aware of the triggers.
I also dissociate just to compose myself.

And to be diagnosed is like a good riddance to me. Because even if I don’t totally understand myself, at least now I finally know how to somehow manage myself. And Mental Illness is not a trend that I just followed. I have been like this since I was a child but I didn’t know that I was sick.
Ok, bye!

Suddenly Depressed

After doing my morning chores, my Core Issues that my psychiatrist told me suddenly hit me again. And I ended up calling my mother to ask her at 4:30 AM about my biological parents. Not the right time to ask and as usual, her answer was she didn’t know anything about them and that my father (adoptive) just brought me home telling her that they finally have a daughter.

It was never an issue for me to be an adopted child. I was in my early 20’s when I found out the truth but it was inconsistent. Subconsciously, it affected my life. Because I have Identity Issues and I have no Sense of Belongingness. No matter how I insist that I am fine not knowing who my biological parents are, I still have to resolve those issues in order for me progress with my Psychotherapy.

Somehow, my psychiatrist is right. It is true that I could feel unexplainable emptiness since I was a child but couldn’t figure it out. I didn’t have a “normal” childhood, I am the only child, I was a brat, I didn’t have much playmates but I enjoyed the comfortable life that my adoptive parents gave me. My father was an Engineer and a Businessman. I have ambivalent relationship with my mother but I was treated like a princess but it has always been love and hate kind of relationship until now that I am already 34.

My father died 18 years ago but I still have this inconsolable grief. I was not able to move on. Just by hearing or mentioning his name would always make me cry and emotional. And that is one of the issues that my doctor told me that I have to resolve and if possible, I must find my biological parents for the sake of closure, identity and belongingness.

And I was like, Yeah, I didn’t not ask for this yet I am the one who is suffering. I am more focused being a mother and trying to make ends meet for my kids rather than finding the mother who sold me just because she couldn’t afford to have another child and that my biological father left her (not sure of that info). I was her 5th and yet after selling me, she had another child again and even made my mother a godmother and even had 3 more kids. Among her 9 children, I was the only one sold.
What the f*ck… Thank you.

Suicide and Depression for some

Ok, so a young lady took her own life and some people are blaming a page on FB that could have triggered her depression and caused her to commit suicide.
Idi*ts, suicide and depression couldn’t be triggered just by reading.
It’s the people around you, circumstances in life and your OWN SELF. I said OWN SELF because you are the only one responsible for your own acts and its consequences.
It is not that you have to blame yourself and other people but it is how you FIGHT with your own battles while being with people who trigger you plus your life’s circumstances. That’s why I don’t blame people who self-harm because they’d rather hurt themselves rather than the people around them and probably to ease the unbearable pain and agony.

To be honest, I am Suicidal today. I’ve been fighting for 14 hours. But I’ve been fighting Suicide for 2 years. I’ve been battling with Depression for 11 years. I am Mentally Ill since I was a child, I manifested symptoms of Psychosis in my adulthood but I was able to be a mother, a friend, and work my ass off. I cried for help a lot of times but I seemed to be very fine that the people I expected the most to understand me didn’t listen at all and just told me to snap out of it. How did I feel about that? How cruel could that have been?
And that is why I am in Psychotherapy and taking Psychotropic Medications to help myself when no one else would take my hand. I am talking about Mental Health not to mend anyone as I am broken too but to raise awareness that Depression is REAL. That some people would rather wish to have Cancer than Depression with the thought that people might come up to them rather than being depressed and all that you could hear is, “OK LANG YAN, KAYA MO YAN, IKAW PA”.

Depression is an Illness. Mental Illness is real but that is why it is called an “Invisible Illness” because some people just laugh, keep busy, smile, pretend to be ok while fighting their own battles without you noticing that someone is in a predicament that sometimes, Suicide would be their last resort.
And the Stigma and the Pill and Therapy Shaming, who causes that? PEOPLE… The best help is to refrain from talking if you know nothing.

 

 

My Mixed Episodes of Mania and Depression

 

Taking a bath has always been an achievement whenever I am taking a much higher dose of Antipsychotic. I am back with 300mg of Quetiapine. It makes me feel heavily drugged and drunk at the same time, how sick is that? 😛

Because of my recurrent mixed episodes of mania and depression, my psychiatrist also advised me to take Clonazepam daily for two weeks, 1/2 tab of Rivotril, which I usually take only as needed (during anxiety attacks). The dosage of my Antidepressant (Sertraline) and Mood Stabilizer (Lamotrigine) are maintained.

People sometimes tell me to just snap out of it and throw away my meds and that I don’t have to worry at all.

Can you tell that to someone with Cancer, Diabetes, Heart Disease, Leukemia or AIDS?

“Oh just be happy, throw those sh*t meds of yours and you will be fine!”

I bet you cannot…

It’s also like telling someone who is bleeding or adly injured to just be happy and everything will be fine.

So why the hell do you have to say that to someone who suffers from “Invisible Illness”? It is INVISIBLE, not IMAGINARY.

Unless you want me to prove you how sick I am 😉

Refrain from talking if you know nothing.

January 30, 2017:
My first attempt to overcome the Suicidal Ideation of overdosing with my Psychotropic Medications. I called a friend to come with me to the hospital because the impulsivity was intense, I knew then that I could harm myself, I could hear voices telling me to pop the pills all at once.

It was like shopping for general hospitals that would admit a case like mine. It was very awkward to say from time to time:

“Please help me, I am suicidal.”

I didn’t know that I couldn’t be admitted in the hospitals that don’t provide psychiatric care. I was very anxious and so depressed at that time. I was referred at VMMC as a Civilian Patient.

When we got there, upon telling the doctor that I was suicidal, they immediately checked my vital signs, performed ECG, routine urinalysis, blood test and drug test (it was negative, as I don’t use illicit/illegal drugs). Interview was done after my physical examination to evaluate my mental status. Thankfully, I was still into 3 spheres.

My friend had to go, it was already late. She left me something to eat before leaving. She even paid for the cab just to get me in there. I was broke and sh*t.

I stayed in the ER under suicide risk and waited until morning to be seen by the head doctor of the Department of Psychiatry. The nurses and the doctors were nice to me, even offered me something to eat or drink for free and accompanied me whenever I have to use the restroom (to make sure that I will not harm myself). A nurse even paid for my meal, thinking that I didn’t have dinner before coming to the hospital.

I remembered another nurse was talking to me about his own depression that he was able to cope with. Although he said that his problems before were nothing compared to mine, I could feel he wanted to make me feel better.

I don’t have enough vivid memories of that night but in my heart, I am still grateful that I felt cared for by the people whom I didn’t even know. Not because it was their job but because they went a bit far to look after a patient like me.

Dealing with Antipsychotics

My Psychiatrist finally reduced the dosage of my Antipsychotic. But I still have to take it twice a day. Somnolence can be alleviated by lowering the dosage since I am a hands-on mom and I have to wake up at 4:00 in the morning and I really find it hard to do my chores whenever I am dizzy and sometimes immobilized by taking a much higher dosage.

Quetiapine has a less sedating effect rather than Clozapine that makes me sedated for at least 13 to 18 hours or even days depending upon my prescribed dosage.

I am quite fine with a 6 hour sedation at night. Waking up at 4:00 in the morning is a lot better with 50mg of Quetiapine (my previous dosage was 300mg). I still have to take another 50mg by 9 AM after my Mood Stabilizer. So I make sure that I am already done with my morning chores in case I would be sedated again. I have to set the alarm, at least 3 hours for me to have enough time to compose myself before my kids arrive from school. Taking Antipsychotic makes you feel drunk or heavily drugged 😊

Before my evening meds, I make sure that once again, I am done with my chores. My kids also have to adjust their time in doing their assignments (with my help of course) before I take another dose. Unless it is my schedule to do the laundry then I have to adjust the time in taking my meds.

As I always say, I may be mentally unstable but still able. As much as possible, I do not let my disability to control me from doing my duties as a mother although at times, all I can do is to open my eyes.

And to you, keep in mind not to be hard on yourself. Sometimes it is ok if all you can do for a day is to breathe…

Tomorrow is another day, try again.

After a Year of Diagnosis

It has been over a year of undergoing Psychiatric Treatment, Medical Incarcerations and dealing with the side effects of my Psychotropic Medications. And finally, a member of the PWD Community under the category of Psychosocial Disability.

Yeah, I undergo therapy to understand myself and to help me cope with my Psychosocial Disability. My prognosis is guarded to prevent chronic course of remissions and exacerbations.

I must continue my Therapy and Medications for an indefinite period of time in order to stabilize my mental condition and to strengthen my coping skills and ego functioning.

Unstable but still able 😊

Mocked but never ashamed 😊

Kinda tamed now because of my Anger Management Therapy but the next time that someone would ridicule me or take advantage of my condition, just don’t forget that if I happen to stab you or cut you into pieces, I could plea not guilty by reason of insanity and just get away with it, so watch out 😊😊😊.

To my children, Erika, Sui and Hijo, you will always be my stronghold. I will always love you and never will I forget you no matter how chemically imbalanced my brain is. Keep in mind that I will always be that Psychotic Mother that will always protect you from any harm. They mess with you, then they are messing with me.

To those who lost the battle, may you all rest in paradise. Life will never be complete without death. I respect the way you chose how to complete yours… To those who are still fighting, remember, we are alone together.

Expect less from people who would never understand us.

Desire less…

No desires, No sufferings…

You could not have been the person you are today if not for the lessons that life taught you, no matter how scarred you are, always remember that still, all is well.

I am Karla Katrina, 34 years old.

I am from Manila, Philippines.

Diagnosed with Bipolar 1 Disorder

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder

Major Depressive Disorder

and Borderline Personality Disorder.

I am still a hands-on mother of three

Blogger

Mental Health Advocate

and trying to keep my hands above the waves because I am more than a DIAGNOSIS.